How to eradicate your own perfection.

Is the burden of self-actualised perfection tiresome?

Is the burden of perfection getting you down?

Are you fed up with being just so bloody productive that work pours from your desk like Niagra falls after a particularly wet spell?

Is your life so God-damn efficient that you have just too much spare time and no idea what to do with it?

Have you attained success and garnered it’s spoils to a level that would make Solomon all rosey-cheeked?

Do you feel left out of the world because you are so utterly perfect?

Are you ostracised by a society which is obsessed with useless self help listicles detailing how to be an efficient, successful, creative and productive being, just like yourself? Have you been cast asunder, deigned to glow in your pure emotional and organisational clarity which is as crisp as a freshly opened pack of Pringles?

Fear not, because I can resolve these deity issues quickly and easily, destroying your perfection, eradicating your emotional eloquence and perverting your all pervading productivity. What you need are some anti-productivity tips to divert your personal life into the realms of mortality, to step down that ladder into the sink hole of modern life amongst the matted hair, soap residue and semen.

1. Going to bed is a dynamic proposition. Don’t be fooled by idiots on the internet who are out to convince you that you should stick rigidly to a daily bed time routine as if you live under the iron rule of a self-imposed dictatorship. Instead, stay up too late watching music videos on YouTube or epsiode after fucking episode of dark, psychological drama/suspense/thrillers, promising yourself each one is the last until you reach the final cliff hanger and another portion of drama is just too inviting to ignore. This will screw with your sleep, as well as ensuring that you simply won’t get enough hours nestling within your warm little crib to feel good the next day even if you could sleep properly, without the subjects of your audio-visual nightcaps permeating the dark recesses of both your conscious and unconscious existence that night.
2. Stop reading books. Go for a period without touching any, instead immersing yourself in the depressive, transient, faux-personal, uncaring worlds of your family, friends and acquantainces social media accounts, with their various masks and affected personas that are carefully documented for the alleged benefit of the world. Once their odious posturing has subconsciously de-railed your life and propogated the suggestion that your life is awful, you’ll soon be back to the books as you seek some kind of meaning in your demoralised life. Once there, ensure you check back to social media regularly whilst pretending to read, destroying any pace, flow or rhythm within the literature that you are trying to hide in.
3. Crawl to your desk in the morning, cradling a coffee and hit your work as hard as a teenager who has been ordered to tidy their room. Yep, brush it all out of view and read the internet instead. Feel the guilt pervade your stomach as you read ‘just one more’ article before promising you’ll do that next task on your list. Never do that task, just re-organise your to-do list with some new headings so that it feels like you’ve achieved something. Have lunch early and plan how to escape as soon as possible.
4. Do not exercise. Of course it can feel great and make you live longer but it can also be depressing, hard work, with little pay off. Sometimes it can feel utterly terrible, in the worst instance being physically painful, hurting you or shortening your life. Oscar Wilde was a very clever man who wisely said “To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.” This is an especially important concept to take note of if you are an athlete or professional sportsperson.
5. Eat all of the legion foods that are provided within your capitalist society. Don’t be fooled by the yet-again-self-imposed bourgeious communist theories eschewing carbs, meat, fat, fast food or whatever. Mix it up, screw the superfoods and eat a sausage. Don’t go all ‘veganuary’ or gluten free unless a doctor has told you to. Just eat the food and enjoy it rather than living amongst the silhoutette of a false nutritional idol whose perfection you are never going to live up to and which isn’t ultimately satisfying anyway.

If you closely follow all of these tips, you should find that before too long you will be a failed, flawed, inefficient and perfectly normal human being again. You will therefore be able to communicate and interact with other beings on the planet in sombre, depressive tones, bemoaning your inability to succeed. You will also be able to destroy untold hours of your life staring distantly into the bright, backlit light of a screen, reading productivity hacks as if they’re some kind of holy chalice holding the milk of life. Through this distraction you can eradicate large swathes of a life you have been forcibly made to live out by those who created you in the pretence of finding some sanctity of happiness, until you reach a point where you can really get on with the beginning of the rest of your life, otherwise known as death.

So I suggest you now go and google ‘productivity hacks’, to find the most efficient and effective way of ensuring you do as little work as possible during the coming hours, as you stare at the luminescent glow of microscopic red, green and blue dots whose sole purpose is to breed a myopic race of information addicted oversharers.

I’m Gavin. I write about things that annoy me on the internet. Please don’t follow me on Twitter, I’m not putting my facebook link here either. Nor should you try and find me on Youtube, Flickr, LinkedIn or Pinterest. In fact, just leave me alone, I want some peace and quiet so that I can think and write. Here’s my e-mail address: