Mr Nice Guy

Day 34, Friday 20th April 2018

I’m a nice guy. People have often commented how I’m laid back and a pleasure to be with. What they don’t realise is that being a nice guy comes with hidden costs, it’s simply a result of not being confident enough to say ‘no’.

Saying ‘no’ is a vital skill in life, something that I’ve not learned very well. Confusingly, I say ‘no’ to many things, having declined work that wasn’t suited to me, saying ‘no, I can’t make it’ to meeting a friend or saying ‘no’ to seconds at dinner. OK, that last one was a lie. The problem ‘nos’ are when they must be said to someone, based solely on my opinion, and the other person won’t like that answer.

These ‘nos’ are inextricably linked to someone else’s feelings. ‘No’ to family, or ‘no’ to a friend who is making persistent requests of me. It’s the loaded ‘nos’ which bring fear, the ones which feel guaranteed to cause the recipient to feel rejected, abandoned or pushed aside.

Practice, makes perfect. It’s possible to learn to say ‘no’ using compassion, meaning the words used are not offensive. I like the tenets of non-violent communication, which lays out a very safe way to express a position without causing offence. But the ‘no’ will always land badly if it’s expressing an opinion which is in direct opposition to the position which the other person holds. If my no…